June 15, 2006

Put a bell on it

There’s a new reality TV show planned in the US, and the stars are going to be cats. It’s said that the Devil has the best tunes and it’s true that evil can be very entertaining, so I can see some of the reasoning behind the idea. But what if you hate the little pests? If I were to watch cats willingly, it would be in the hope of witnessing some anti-feline action, courtesy of Mother Nature. When I hear the screeching tones of a cat fight after midnight I always leap to the nearest window in hope of seeing one of them being consumed by a fox.
Why Advertising Sucks recently had a long anti-cat rant, which is understandable if these creatures blight your life. Here’s my turn.
For seven years my substantial private estate has been free of cats until my nearest neighbours, a lazy bunch of workshy misfits (the only characteristics they share with felines) acquired a female cat which must have divided like a bacterium because seemingly within weeks there were at least a half-dozen of them murdering the wildlife and shitting under my bushes.
The unofficial agency cat, Mister Ajax, senses my hostility and likes to pretend he’s my pal. I’ve even found him quietly astride Dave, kneading holes and purring like a demon motorbike, like I’d be happy at this abuse of my best mate.
I can’t be horrid to him, because the girls here love him. I mean… for heaven’s sake, can’t they see these animals are evil? No, of course they can’t, and so many people are seduced by their big-eyed fluffiness and alpha tendencies.
Just look at these ads:

“You’d better not get in his way”. When he’s lapping up his expensive dinner, just remember, it’s the food he loves and not you.

And then there’s this sorry bunch. You’d think this were people food, it’s so darned nutricious and delicious. Mind you, that Sheba looks quite tempting (which is weird when you think about it: you’re supposed to find this food mouthwatering, yet you’re going to give it to your cat. It would probably be cheaper to go to the deli and buy some offcuts).

Gourmet… check out the sprig of garnish!

Go Cat, a good cock joke

Here’s Purdy, a wicked-looking bastard. I love the inherent threat here: feed me or the birds get it.

Go to Flickr and enter “cat” and “bird” and one thing you’ll notice about the photos is the “aaah, look how cute” tone of them, with the moggies murdering indigenous wildlife under titles like “Lunch” and “Pride”. Ha bloody ha. And their owners probably call themselves animal lovers.
Put bells on their collars, you eejits!


Anonymous said...

Mister Ajax? Named after the platform or the caustic cleaner?

SchizoFishNChimps said...

Dunno. Maybe he just thinks he's a Greek demi-god