Death by juxtaposition

This really is awful - surely the worst example of automated web advertising to date. The story is already in most of the newspaper websites - a young woman fatally shot by Iranian police. I'm not going to link to LiveLeak because they should be ashamed of hosting the video in this way.

RIP Clement

As a child, I first saw Clement Freud on the telly selling dog food. That’s what I always identified him with until I heard him on Radio 4’s Just A Minute. RIP #1 Grumpy Old Man and owner of the most morose voice in Britain. He was also incredibly funny.

A Clement Freud joke:
A woman told her husband that if he ever came home drunk again then she would leave him. That night he went out to a pub, drank a lot and threw up all over himself.
“What am I going to do?” he asked his friend “If I turn up like this my wife’s going to leave me.”
“This is what you do”, said his friend, “Put a £20 note in your pocket and tell your wife that someone else threw up on you and gave you the money to dry clean your jacket.”
That night, as he came through the door he stopped his wife in mid-exclamation and said “No, no, somebody threw up over me and gave me £20 for the cleaning bill.”
She said “But why have you got two £20 notes in your hand?”
“Oh,” said the man, “The other one is from the man who shat in my pants.”

The flying rat analogy

This clip is a good way of explaining that feeling one gets when having lost a pitch.

She's not dead yet

But this is published by the same high-quality stable that vomits out the Daily Star, Daily Express and various porno mags.

To those of you fortunate enough to avoid British tabloids, Jade Goody is a "reality TV star" dying from cancer.

**Edit: notice the issue number...**

Let’s not have an argument

Greenpeace piss me off. They’re as bad as a religion. Once a dogma is acquired, it is stuck to resolutely and evidence that contradicts that dogma is shouted down or ignored. These are the same luddites whose opposition to GM food would allow the world's poorest to starve because of evidence-free scaremongering.
No offence to Romania, but at least this shitty little campaign is restricted to that country.
What’s so bad about it?
How about saving the planet? The “radiation will mutate you” issue assumes that nuclear technology has remained stagnant for decades and, therefore, we daren’t use it.
There is a significant case to be made for reducing carbon emissions from fossil-fuelled power stations and switching to nuclear energy. These ads effectively kill that argument without even presenting minor details such as, for example, the facts.

Pics via Ads of the World

Time for web advertising to give up the ghost

Quite possibly the worst ad placement of 2009


Spotted

Poor Wozza

It's sad to see TV chefs like Antony Worrall Thompson going to the wall, as reported in today's Telegraph. No, I am genuinely mildly tearful over these little lambs (especially Gordon Ramsay) because I did think that they'd have the chutzpah to ride out the recession. The lifestyle trend of the moment is "staying in is the new going out", or so we're told, which is why Sky subscriptions, dinner parties and DVD rentals are on the up. Cinema takings are up too as visiting the flicks is a relatively cheap night out (as long as you don't buy any junk food, sweets or drink in cinema). I'd have thought that downsizing menus to reduce the number of options (meaning greater economies of scale) would have kept diners coming through the doors. Oh well, you can't be right all the time.
(Note to regular readers: This semi-serious article was written as an excuse to post the following short video of Antony Worrall Thompson making a tit of himself)

See also: Gordon, get out of my f-ing face

Shock as Z-list celeb talks out of arse

On the grounds that LBC is a commercial radio station that depends on advertising revenues, and on the even more tenuous grounds of this blog being about media monitoring, I present an example of a radio presenter firing off a rant that can physically harm or even kill children. And just in case there is any doubt about where I'm coming from, I am bloody furious.
The benefits of child vaccines are attacked from two sides. One argument is that they can cause autism, a dangerous delusion which has thankfully been blown out of the water. The other argument is that innoculations like MMR are pointless because kids need to be exposed to these illnesses to make them stronger.
The media flurry exists on both sides of the pond. In the USA, Jenny McCarthy campaigns against innoculations. In the UK, we had apparently put this argument to bed and are trying to tidy the mess of the MMR scare ("Health watchdog reports sharp increase in childhood measles").
When my chimplets were due their innoculations my GP explained that the diseases were potentially more dangerous than the unproven risk of the innoculations. With the medical evidence that measles can kill on one hand, and no evidence that MMR causes harm (note: the plural of "anecdote" is not "evidence") on the other, I was under no illusions that the jabs were absolutely necessary.
Jeni Barnett owns one of those daytime TV faces that's bolted to a "personality" of which I had no opinion, until now. This broadcasting drone has seen fit to fire off her anecdote-based opinions against vaccination. What's unexpectedly amusing is that Dr Ben Goldacre (author of one of the best science books I've read in years) decided to post Ms Barnett's rant on his website, and is being hit with legal threats for shining a light on her daft outburst.
There's a strange wind blowing through British celeb media at the moment, with lynch mobs after Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, Carol Thatcher and Jeremy Clarkson for referring or talking to people in an insulting manner. What Barnett has said is far, far worse because of its potential to encourage gullible or ill-informed parents to make a decision that they may well regret later.
Here's a copy of Dr Goldacre's post which has been removed, with the "illegal" sound file. Here's Jeni Barnett's woeful reaction on her blog. And here's #1 science blogger Prof. PZ Myers' take on the stupidfest.
**Edit** Dr Goldacre sets the record straight

Look out for this evil man

Very serious US news bulletin that has to get a mention here. Commit the suspect's likeness to your memory immediately.

Cheer up

via b3ta

Monkey invasion sub-plan #9923

And while you are asleep we will send in tiny robot elephants to inject custard into your brains. You will be filled with a desire to spend your holidays sitting beside motorways, smiling happily at the thought of kittens. You will engage lorry drivers in pointlessly inane conversations before quietly murdering them to placate the purple fairies. In the evenings you will complain to the BBC.

Oatibix is served by WCRS. Bless.

More insanity: medical woo

Hell, I'd almost forgotten about this one. Sent in months ago by one of my spies in Northern Ireland is this piece of witchdoctory woo that'd be right up HRH's street (see previous post). To think, this is supposed to be the 21st century and people still believe this bullshit works, even on animals. If anyone can prove to me that homeopathy is more effective than a placebo, then I'll give up swearing. Yes, I'm that fucking serious.
Even sadder is that there's a FUCKING HOMEOPATHIC HOSPITAL ON THE NHS!!!!! I only recently discovered this and wonder how much money is being spent on a 200 year-old unchanging dogma (where's the progress in homeopathy vs conventional medicine?) invented by a single bloke (versus untold millions of rigorously researched and scrutinised experiments and trials undertaken by hordes of doctors following the ruthlessly effective scientific method) , which would be better spent on something trivial like, oh, cancer or even nurses' wages.
Oh, don't get me started.

Would the Prince please drink a hot organic cup of Shut The Fuck Up

The good HRH Prince Charles has delivered his unsurprising opinion on GM agriculture in today’s Telegraph. GM’s bad. GM’s gonna kill the planet.
No, I’m not a scientist, but unlike some people whose ability to advance an informed opinion is inversely proportionate to their influence, I do like to employ critical thinking. Believe it or not, if you study the arguments presented by both pro- and anti- GM lobbies you will find more scientifically proven evidence favouring the pro- argument. The anti- science doesn’t stand up.
I favour the pro- arguments because I prefer the idea of feeding the masses of poor people on the planet to the idea of salving the consciences of privileged eco-warriors with a sanctimonious streak that’s so strong you couldn’t swipe a credit card down the crack of their arses when they’re in Eco Smug mode. These are people who attach greater weight to imagined or statistically improbable events over the immediate needs of human beings.
Here’s HRH’s science:

Oh, hang on, there isn’t any. It’s just an opinion.
I tried hard to find the evidence that might have formed his opinion, and in the interview with the Telegraph reporter the Prince cites two events.

"Look at India's Green Revolution. It worked for a short time but now the price is being paid.
"I have been to the Punjab where you have seen the disasters that have taken place as result of the over demand on irrigation because of the hybrid seeds and grains that have been produced which demand huge amounts of water.
"[The] water table has disappeared. They have huge problems with water level, with pesticide problems, and complications which are now coming home to roost.
"Look at western Australia. Huge salinisation problems. I have been there. Seen it. Some of the excessive approaches to modern forms of agriculture."

Yeah, well fuck you HRH as you’ve “been to the Punjab” in your dandelion-powered zero emission flying saucer. Being there isn’t the same as understanding if you’re looking at the world via the lens of preconceived ideas.
About the Punjab. The New York Times (22/6/08), the Wall Street Journal Asia (28/4/08), India Today (31/12/07) describe the rocketing demand for food, over-use of land, mismanagement by government and failure to educate farmers as the reasons for the Punjab’s failure, NOT the GM crops.
Secondly, salinisation in Western Australia. What? Unlike the Punjab situation, I can’t find a single reference to GM being a proven cause. The peculiar thing is that in regions where salinisation is a problem, GM crops modified to grow in such conditions can thrive.
The net effect of stopping GM now would be, if my basic 6th form economics is up to scratch, increased wealth. That’s good, isn’t it? It is if you follow the basic Malthusian economic theory. Any increase in effective technology increases the population and decreases their living standards. This is called the Malthusian Trap, which kept the vast majority of humankind in relative poverty up to the time of the English Industrial Revolution. This is why surviving English peasants enjoyed unusual prosperity after the Black Death wiped out over 30% of the population in the 14th century. There was increased demand for their labour, so their wages went up.
Like it or not, the world’s population is rising. Stop GM and millions of people will die, but average living standards will improve.
There's a word for people who would advocate action to cause such a thing to happen, and it isn't a nice one.

Steven Berkoff - scary fucker

Damn my timing. I went into WH Smith and asked the woman behind the counter if they sold bereavement cards. She said Yes, so I enquired whether I could get one in exchange for the Get Well Soon card I'd bought yesterday.
She was very nice about it, and I had been wondering how many cards I'd get if it was me who suffered a heart attack. Barely fuck all, if my annually diminishing birthday card tally was anything to go by. Mrs Chimps might do better. She has the body of an eighteen year old. It's starting to stink up the fridge though.
Ah fuck it, that's enough shite joking. This is the much-heralded "Watch your own heart attack" from the British Heart Foundation that aired on ITV last night. Brand Republic reports it achieved 6.5 million viewers, which is one hell of an achievement.
It scared the bejesus out of me - there's something undiminishingly eerie about Steven Berkoff - and the appeal against the "I don't want to cause a fuss" mentality is spot on.

Next on the list: ravish a Vestal Virgin

Go to Scamp's place for the video and related chatter over Honda's live TV ad.
It’s a sure sign that TV advertising is well into its decadent phase when you have this level of pre-hype. The single minor difference is that this wasn’t a disappointing sequel (think paint and trucks).
This medium must be screwed if you have to drive viewers to it just to watch an ad.

Going...

Arses twinned with elbows

Chimplet #3 is seven years old; she still loves fluffy toys, anything in pink, and her favourite form of locomotion is skipping. So far there has been no request to buy GTA4 or imbibe alcohol; nor is there an inclination to swear at her teachers. This must mean that's she's at odds with the majority of Britain's children who, if you believe the Daily Mail, are turning our landscape into something resembling the set of Full Metal Jacket.
She has noticed and shrugged off the fuss over her idol Miley Cyrus' apparently obscene photoshoot in Vanity Fair, something which is causing me to scratch my head.
The interesting thing about the story is the implied disapproval from Disney, Cyrus' ultimate boss, who I can't really believe care about underage girls posing provocatively in photos. After all, it's OK for Disney to plaster pics of an even younger female model in her underwear over the billboards of Beijing.
On an entirely unrelated note, you can buy Disney products at Tesco, who have an equally erratic moral compass.

Buy organic and kill a fat poor person

My foot is caught on the tripwire of an ethical logic bomb.
Here’s how it goes.

Obese poor people buy junk food because it’s cheap and convenient.
Corduroy-wearing Guardian readers who live in Crouch End want everyone to eat organic because it’s healthier and is good for the planet.
Organic vegetables, on average, require more farm land than veg grown using evil traditional farming methods.
Organic vegetables are therefore more expensive.
Demand for organic food from corduroy-wearing Guardian readers who live in Crouch End outstrips supply.
70% of our organic food needs to be imported by sea and air to satisfy demand.
Organic yields vary between 50%-85% compared to produce grown using evil traditional farming methods.
More land will need to be turned over to agriculture for organic veg to match the yield of evil traditional farming methods.
If nirvana arrives for the corduroy-wearing Guardian readers who live in Crouch End, and we all move to organic farming, more effort will be required to grow the same amount of food grown using evil traditional farming methods.
Organic food will therefore be more expensive.
Obese poor people will continue to buy junk food because it’s cheap and convenient.

Bang: Ban organic farming. Use the land to grow cheaper food.

Why Mother’s PO ads are wrong

Clients, eh? Always doing stuff that bodges up all that hard work invested in their advertising.
In this case, one of Britain’s favourite institutions, the granny magnet otherwise known as the Post Office, is falling victim to market forces that are causing the closure of even more branches.
POs are seen as vital hubs of town life. Rural areas are hardest hit because their branches are costlier to run.
Sadly, the PO’s incumbent agency is running a cosy campaign showing twee 1970s-style sitcom characters running just the sort of cute little branch that’s getting the chop. Fading celebs drop in, Harold drops his cup of tea onto his fundamentals and Mavis’ little dog does a whoopsy on the carpet. OK, I made the last two bits up but you get the picture.
Forget the market-winning geegaws that the PO is pushing through the ads. You can sell gold-plated, gem-encrusted broadband modems at 20p a pop and insurance policies that guarantee your late aunt’s resurrection. But all of that will be ignored because, as the PO seems to have forgotten, it’s service that people want, not products.

One zombie ad too many

They've been on the telly for years. You know the ads... dead celebrities resurrected to sell. A bit like flogging a dead horse, but in reverse.
Even Mrs Chimps is getting fucked off with this one, Specsavers' clumsy attempt at humour using footage of Edith Piaf in the throes of her decline.
Oh ho ho ho, it's a bloody funny ad if you know nothing of Piaf, or the song being mistranslated. A fine bit of selling made to appeal to the stupid.
Wikipedia has a passable description of Piaf's traumatic life. If only someone with an ounce of culture at Specsavers had had the fucking brainwave to check what the song is about. Maybe they thought it's just a film of a sad old bat belting out a tune, Shirley Bassey-style, but in French.
What the film really shows is one of the 20th century's most remarkable characters, who had survived a series of personal tragedies, telling the world that she was still here, despite everything thrown in her path, and she is prepared to sweep all those memories away to start again.
Maybe nowadays it's ok to laugh at someone who's been dead a quarter of a century and turn her life into a joke, for the sake of selling cheap glasses.