This is my new toy

It's a bugger trying to work with paper aeroplanes zapping around and the MD fighting with the tea lady in the corridor, but such is life in the average ad agency. The need to zone out and concentrate becomes acute and, for me, music is the answer. But sometimes I can't be arsed to faff with my Walkman, or the music files on my portable hard drive. The problem is having to choose what to listen to. It's the modern dilemma of having too much choice.
Today, a colleague pointed me to this absofuckinglutely superb site that, within two clicks, simply plays music according to your mood. Choose your mood, play it low and chill into your workload. It's Musicovery.com and I love it.

Local hero

Ann Summers – you’ve got to love ‘em. Professionally speaking, I’m muchly impressed with their advertising. Here’s a national chain of shops selling naughty adult stuff (quite tastefully, I might add), yet successfully mixing smutty taglines with local references to create jokes that have a touch of Carry On about them.
The puns always sit alongside a photo of barely-dressed women. For example, “Dirty Limerick” promoted a store in Ireland; “Lancashire Hot Bot” (alluding to a local stew which my grannie used to dish up) with its handcuffed woman informing you that for fashion and passion you should whip along to your local store in Lancaster; and my personal favourite “Ride A Cock Hoarse” (referring to the nursery rhyme Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross), for its Banbury outlet.
The store’s poster ads usually fall foul of the ASA, but I’m delighted to see that Ann Summers was cleared to display this excellent example of localism.

Just plopping in for a chat

It's funny how the poo taboo is being eroded in advertising. We've seen a couple of virals, one from Charmin, the other from Kellogg's, with obvious references to cable laying, but here's something a little more mainstream. Mind you, this ad from Reckitt Benckiser by Euro RSCG is meant for the Spanish market.
No, I'm not going to fling the metaphoricals at my Iberian chums, but I will say that southern European cultures are not so het up about bodily functions.

Business opportunity

FROM THE DESK OF MR JUBRIL HASSAN
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING SECTION OF
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.

Dear Friend,
I am MR JUBRIL HASSAN the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of Bank Of Africa(BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West-Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person Mr.Sheu Yuan-dong who died on February 16, 2000 in a gassy car accident with his entire family on there way back from Bobo Delaso the formal capital city of Burkina-Faso, and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development.

The said amount was U.S $9.8M (Nine million eight hundred United States dollars). As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through yahoo search on foreign business relations here in Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso.

Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bona fide next of kin to the deceased, to get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit
your self to this great business opportunity.

In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant (A Banker),we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank.

This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as gratification, while 60% will be for me. Please, you have been advised to keep "top secret" as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you.
I look forward to receive your hansom reply via this email address belo.
Yours faithfully
MR JUBRIL HASSAN .

jubril_hassan2007@myway.com

Dear Mr Jubril Hassan,
I am distraught at the gassy death of Mr.Sheu Yuan-dong. My company, FNC Communications Corp (Giraffe Towers, London), has a thriving subsidiary business in Burkina Faso and it appears from our records that a man of a similar name (Mr. Sheu Ding-dong) was reported missing in the region seven years ago whilst inspecting our newly opened custard mines. I wonder if they are the same person?
His sister, Miss Ramalama Ding-dong, is on record as saying that her brother did indeed have a vast sum of money secreted somewhere and your timely email has alerted me to the possibility that this is the correct person, and that the money is in your bank!
Between you, me, and the gatepost, do you think we could get our hands on the money without anyone else knowing?
I have very few liquid assets currently (all my available capital is invested in our brand laboratory in London), but I can offer you something that you will find attractive and beneficial.
You must let me know soon, as the items are perishable and the neighbours might start to complain.
Yours faithfully,
Mr FN Chimps,

CEO FNC Communications
Giraffe Towers
London

Gang fight

Blimey, I'm filmed out. Yesterday I took chimplet #3 (6 y/o, pink model) to see the Bratz movie and today it was the turn of chimplet #2 (9 y/o, blue model) to go to the flicks to see the latest Harry Potter.
Which one did I enjoy the most?
Yes, you know my contrariness well enough to know it was the Bratz.
I was expecting nothing from this film, other than the knowledge I'd be zoning out for 2 hours while the little boss was absorbed by the antics of four characters based on a popular range of large-headed dolls. I felt the bile rising at the opening shots of the too-cheerful girls coordinating their too-big wardrobes via too-high bandwidth laptops. Christ, I wanted to kill these annoying shits but was surprised to find myself enjoying their rebellious antics as they took on a teenage nazi Christina Aguillera control freak who ran their high school. I did feel a little uncomfortable as the only 40-something male in the theatre watching teenage girls do stretchy things in tight clothes on the screen, but the audience were too into the action to notice me.
There's so much wrong with the movie (my main complaint being that the "poor" member of the Bratz quartet who seemed to have more material wealth than your average Basildon pikey after a raid on Santa's warehouse, but who am I to comment on the Hollywood underclass?), but it won me over by being not as awful as I expected. Jon Voight's prosthetic nose was utterly brilliant.
As for old Hazza. What the fuck was all that about? I'm trying to figure how old the magical gang is supposed to be. Let me see, Harry gets killed when he's 18, which is two more stories away which means that here, in the latest movie, he must be 16-ish. It's on record that the actor is way older than that now. 31 and shagging horses on stage, last I heard.
There was a bit of Helen Bonham Carter - where did she disappear too? What the bloody hell was that Arch business about? Who was that trippy blonde girl who appeared from nowhere to become a major-ish character (and a damn sight more interesting than Hermione).
The last film was good, but my raised expectations for this one were dashed by a story that fizzled from one direction to another.
Utter bollocks.
Bratz winz.

Managing contractors, chimp style

I'm currently on my hols. The sad thing is, I'm not actually going anywhere because all my funds are tied up in building my brand laboratory. The ground floor's complete, but the contract cleaners are utterly useless. Here's exclusive footage of me dispensing discipline to one of our slackers from Poland.

(This is really a clip from Trigger Happy TV

See also: End of term report

Front first: C&A

I can't believe it's seven years since C&A closed its doors in the UK. The brand name came up in conversation yesterday with some of my old school chums, when I realised that chimplet #1 (age 13) didn't know what the hell we were talking about. That's the trouble when old farts talk about defunct subjects.
Briefly Googling C&A, I'm surprised to find the clothes retailer still going strong in Europe, as evidenced here:

I once received a firm slap from a blonde girlfriend when I told her, long before I got to first base, that I knew her knickers had a C&A label in them. In response to her puzzled look, I said it was a good way of making sure she never put them on back to front.

Pigs and bikes

Today, I'm suffering from overpopularity which means very little time to think of anything profound to dispense to you, my disciples. I therefore go for the cheap option and pull a couple of excellent juxtapositions from b3ta. One is funny, the other ironic and a little sad. Both news stories currently dominate the UK media.

This from the Times Online:


This from The Register, originating in Motorcycle News (and the shot motorcyclist was riding a Harley):

Hooray for promos

I am forming the opinion that TV promos are more fun to watch than ads, particularly on Channel Four. It's something I have only just realised, so I haven't built an archive to prove it yet. Here's a current example, promoting Channel Four's repeat channel.
Sarah Beeny is the unintentionally amusing host of a popular amateur property speculation programme. Watching her trying to persuade numpties not to waste their life savings by adding an extra wing on their dream house is such fun. Here she is, Chinese style.

I'm going to keep an eye out for further examples, and will try and figure out why these short blasts of self-promotion are often so much funnier than "real" ads. Are the agencies (if any) being given more creative freedom? Is it down to the ephemeral nature of the promotion - they usually only last a couple of weeks - meaning there has to be a greater impact?

Being green is SO confusing

Morals make me nervous. Not mine, but other people's. It doesn't help that I'm irreligious. Take the Pope. Am I the only one who gets antsy when he sees a German guy on a balcony addressing a crowd of 50,000?
Of course, the largely agnostic English don't pay attention to a man in a funny hat (unless he's Gandalf).
I think there is a large number of people in this country who are inclined to follow any half-baked belief outside of religion.
The environment, for example. Generally speaking, looking after the planet is regarded as a good thing. But I don't see challenges to the plethora of green claims on ads, which fall somewhere between afterthought and bandwagon-jumping. No, someone says they're green and we just go along with it.
Look at this bullshit about carbon offsetting. It's the 2007 equivalent of buying indulgences off the medievel Church to offset sins that you intend to commit. Here are a dozen groats, Father, now excuse me while I shag my sister.
Being green is the new moral relativism, and two news stories this week illustrate my point.
First, we have The Times with a superb claim that walking does more than driving to cause global warming. "Food production is now so energy-intensive that more carbon is emitted providing a person with enough calories to walk to the shops than a car would emit over the same distance. The climate could benefit if people avoided exercise, ate less and became couch potatoes."
I just love that. In one short paragraph, some propellerhead has undermined one of the commandments that prop up green dogma.
And how about this: Ecover, a much respected manufacturer of green household cleaning products, has lost its Vegan Society accreditation because it uses water fleas to test the effects of detergents on aquatic life! Maybe Ecover should use chemical testing instead. Oh, wait...
But frankly, who gives a shit what the Vegan Society thinks. Ecover have gone out of their way to create something useful and green-friendy that'll help the planet. This tofu-flavoured hiccup won't harm the brand.

I bet Arnie packs one of these

Attention all men: as if a relatively simple product couldn't get any more complicated, the Gillette Fusion Power razor now comes with Stealth technology. Now you can creep up on your enemies and secretly shave them while strange women will feel compelled to rub their faces on you. Now that's real power.
Think I'm lying?

More Gillette weaponry:
Just in case four blades weren’t enough;
To run the world, you'll need one of these

Down boy

Just look at this smug-looking bastard. He's bad, just like his mum who had it off with a rooster and produced this, the cock that wouldn't come. When your mistress leaves the room, your furry arse is off my expensive Loro Piana fabric furniture and out of the window. That'll make me laugh as much as the time I saw a daschund with an erection trying to climb the stairs. Jesus, they had to give me air.

More bastard dogs on expensive furniture:
Get off my bleedin' chair
Are you sitting comfortably?

The perils of extreme sports

This, from the Illegal Advertising site, is muchly amusing. Viral ads are copying the method, well-established in TV drama, of dodgy and poorly focused camera work. I'm inclined to believe that this one, for Sprite Zero, is genuine.

Cats are evil

Seeing as being green is the thing, it's good to see Harvey Nicks embracing recycling, even if it is their ads that are being given a second airing. I can't really complain, 'cos this work by DDB still make me chuckle.
I remember Nicks being a single store, and a tad too posh for its own good. But over recent years they've opened new stores and kept the posh vibe while learning how to appeal to younger aspirational shoppers.
It would be nice to see some new work though.

See also: Women: men are only interested in your mind

Brain mash

I like to kid myself that I'm a mean and moody fucker, someone you don't want to mess with. I even use Viagra eye drops to make me look hard. But this illusion is shattered most Saturday evenings when I squirm at the pretend blood on Casualty (an improbable hospital drama on BBC1), or on Thursdays when House's patients succumb to exploding eyes and lungs leaking out of their noses. Retch.
This fucking disgusting ad has been gracing the morning papers for several weeks, and I'm sure CHI decided to deliberately target the hard nuts who laugh at blood and guts on the telly, because there's no way I'm buying Britvic's new mineral water. I will forever associate it with leaking brains.
I know that's not what the ad intended, but then again I now associate Smirnoff with the taste of seawater.
I'm starting to hear voices in my head too.

Hiatus of sorts

Blogging is part of my Big Brother Avoidance Plan (the same goes for Reality TV generally), a large part of which involves reading what others have written. I'm feeling so out of the loop at present because I'm actually (get this) working, meaning that my posts are rather rushed. Even the monkeygirls are at full stretch, and the builders are still constructing my brand lab...
There's always some other interesting stuff going on, and I regret not being able to give Bill Green's Plaid Brand Aid Tour deserved attention (a terrific idea: pack up your colleagues in a van and Go On A Tour). The pic is from his firm's portfolio and immediately got me curious.
Plus some gob shite(s) mugged one of my blogging pals.

AMV succumbs to chimpness

To call an ad "gently amusing" is the equivalent of damning it with faint praise, in my book. However, this one did pass one of the important tests in that it made one of the chimplet brood laugh.
This one from AMV doesn't break the mould - car insurance ads for the British market are usually on the dull or embarrassing side (think shouty people in fancy dress, or sickly-looking retired film directors) but the situations presented here for Norwich Union Direct hover between the plausible and slapstick.
I'm going to resist railing against it because someone at AMV is a regular visitor to CMM (Statcounter reveals all) and I'm going to hazard an ego-stroking guess that my unofficial campaign to have the word "numpty" used more often has rubbed off there.
A quick Lexis Nexis search reveals that in the year before this blog launched, the British press used "numpty" or "numpties" 90 times. In CMM's first year, when my numpty crusade began, this rose to 116. The current count in year #2 is 210.
And that's scientific, folks. Officially.

Gang bang

I'm reluctant to post legitimate (as opposed to spoof or small-time) ads when I don't have any background info, but I felt this viral from Nissan was worth featuring. It's reminiscent of the unauthorised and controversial VW Polo viral, and rips off that spoof's central premise of toughness beyond usual expectations. But the explosion is damned impressive and there's a cute gangster's moll too. What's not to like?

Sweetie for teacher

Here's something that turned up on Digg recently (sorry, but even monkeys have heavy workloads sometimes), which I guess is either a spoof or a sly attempt at smutting up a real brand.
(Sigh) That's what God created the internet for, I guess.
Warning: contains inappropriate teacher / pupil relationships and rapid fluid delivery.

This ain't Coke

Being appreciative of junk, particularly in the food & drink categories, I was appalled to see this naff attempt by Coke (reported in yesterday's Metro) to extend the brand into some kind of healthy hybrid nirvana.
It's Coke, for heaven's sake. We know it rots your guts but it's refreshing and tastes good. We don't buy it to be healthy. If I wanted a healthy drink I'd buy a fruit juice.
And just look at that ugly logo and bomb-shaped bottle. Urgh.

You dirty office management sexy spankpots

You've got to love it when small companies get the viral bug and use it as an excuse to play with smut (e.g. the most popular vid I've ever posted). Vizelia is an office management company (sexy!) and this ad really is on their website. I would love to know whether the MD or CEO (or whoever has the bondage and spanking fetish) really did think this would sell the firm.