Earth to Times Luxx: Read a newspaper

This ad currently appears in the Times Online Luxury Supplement.
Meanwhile, back in the real world....

USA, I am concerned

I feel ze urge to march.

(Apologies to ze Kaiser)

Ryanair's schoolgirl experiment

Vintage Aston Martin cars; Little fluffy Jack Russell puppies; France's military history; Attractive women wearing school uniform: God created all of these to ease the troubled minds of men. Sadly Ryanair, choosing to use one of these divine gifts in its advertising, still managed to fuck it up.
Observe Christina Aguilera's Lolita pose in a well-covered campaign for Skechers. It ran three years ago in mags such as Marie Claire, Mizz, Smash Hits and Sugar (amongst others), all of which have a high young-female readership. Some of these readers are of school age. It's copy-lite and arguably more provocative than Ryanair's effort. There's even a mean-looking Miss on hand to deliver a spanking. And yet, apart from many sniggering comments, the campaign passed by with nary a complaint.
The anonymous model saucing it up for Ryanair first appeared last year in the national press. It has just been banned by the ASA.
The only real difference between the two concepts is quality. The Skechers campaign didn't need words. Ryanair on the other hand sent its creative brief to the nearest boys' school and lo! ten minutes later the 6th form art department came up with this.
I'm not entirely on board with the ASA's reason for banning this. I'd have broomed it purely for being shite.

More Ryanair:
Osama's new favourite airline;
Ryanair: cheeky monkeys or rip-off merchants?

Jan fug

You know how regular bloggers post stuff like "Sorry for not posting, but I've been soooo busy on pitches and shit"? That's what I'm doing here, except I've had a busy lunch diary, which means the important stuff (e.g. work) gets knocked back into the evenings.
Which means I don't have time to blog.
Which is making me so depressed that I recently resorted to ringing the Samaritans, except even they were so busy that they diverted me to their call centre in Karachi. When I told them that I was feeling suicidal they got very excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Here's a cheeky upskirt ad from Japan, harvested from my Flickr reserve. Normal service to resume whenever.

or a kitten...? or a sweetie...?

Unfortunate juxtaposition from Saturday's Daily Telegraph.

Axe aims for girls with the munchies

The old cliché that girls like chocolate is the idea behind this creation for Axe (aka Lynx). The adolescent approach of this brand’s advertising is more often hit than miss. It has to keep its pecker up to maintain interest in its never-ending range of spin-off smells.

I suppose that it’s agreeable that young teenage boys smell of chocolate rather than, well, teenage boys, but in my part of Essex the best way to woo a girl is with a nicely presented bag of hot chunky chips.

This time, me no likey.

Agency: VegaOlmosPonce, Argentina

AxyLynxy:
Japanese Axe virals - innocent fun or sinister?
More BomChickaWahwah
More Lynx naughtiness
BomChickaWahwah
Fanny magnetism and an excuse to mention pussies

Earth to shark: eat man on surf board

“It’s the tidgy guy with the big head! The tidgy guy!” laugh the chimplets, referring to the dimunitive star of the latest Halifax singing and dancing spectacle. The Boss scowls and swears. She vows never to darken the doors of a Halifax.
I chuckle.
I’ve been won over by these ridiculous extravaganzas where the bank’s own staff are plucked from their shortarse / lardarse office obscurity.
I remain amazed at how these amateurs manage to bury any feeling of self-consciousness and let rip. Have you ever seen a fat bloke dance? That’s why I don’t.
But while I laugh at them, I can’t help but feel a twinge of admiration. DLKW has been running these since 2001, and they’re constantly high in the ad recall tables. They must be doing something right, even if you do Google "Howard", "Halifax" and "Irritating" or "Annoying" and are overwhelmed by the petulant blog posts.
With the Halifax campaign you either shit or get off the pot.
Love or hate.
One complaint, though.
Howard.
Halifax’s Hirohito lookalike.
Shark: eat him.

WTF? "Officer!"

Monkey Invasion sub-plan #2117

And we shall release the baby robots.

Worship your furry overlords

Clickify to magnify

And then we will entice you into the furniture stores. We will make you buy expensive stuff and you will let your animals use them. Your dogs will roll in dead, rotting maggotty squirrels in the park and then lounge on your new sofa.
If you do not do this, then our evil spy mannequin heads will wait until you are asleep and laser a hole between your ears.

The continued shameful pikification of furniture:
Harveys' big offer
My furniture takes another caning
Those worms didn't come out of my arse, madam
Down boy
Get off my bleedin' chair
Are you sitting comfortably?

The fragrant whiff of parody

Last year's Tom Ford ads... Provocative, blog candy, and just rather obvious. Pushing the sex boundary is the obvious tactic to achieve advertising shock and coverage.

Thankfully, the campaign wasn't impossible to parody, and this spoof does it so well.

Not safe for work.

Born for the story

and the BBC reporter covering the current Greenpeace vs Japanese whalers story is called...

Spotted in Popbitch

Diap Burger Clown Brain Melt

Twenty-seven true pale delusions words picked at random, yet me knowly under written leopard but not Jesus, there's because Dawkins arse holy talking dogs at oxford street but it still makes more sense than this, which I saw today only minutes after the Tom Cruise Scientology Mind Fuck.
Nurse!

See also: Yeah! Wooh! Hey Buddy! And other Tom Cruisisms

Harveys' big offer

Enclicken to biggen

Swinging on my tyre, I, in a moment of whimsy, wonder whether the reception area upstairs needs a new sofa. Harveys, doth declare the TV ad, hath commenceth a sale and being only of middling-pikeyness, might be worth a visit.
You wouldn't catch me in there, so maybe I'll send the driver. But, as the tyre languidly turns, I notice that each item comes with a free dog. Interesting sales technique, that. A bit like buying a car and being offered a wire brush to clean it.
Maybe I'll buy one for my chum Arnold, our blind family gynaecologist, who is having his office refurbished. He has a wet nose too.

Also disrespecting furniture:
My furniture takes another caning
Those worms didn't come out of my arse, madam
Down boy
Get off my bleedin' chair
Are you sitting comfortably?

Poster ads get the chop

Enjoy the wondrous subversion of London poster vandal The Decapitator. Appreciate the effort involved in reproducing segments of the original but with the same macabre twist, and then superimposing them on site. Thankfully, this seemingly futile endeavour (posters don't stay up forever, after all), is recorded on his Flickr set.

Spotted in b3ta newsletter

From the mouth of a master

The best video on the hot issue of product placement in movies, ever. This is the great David Lynch delivering a masterclass. Students of marketing: study his words, ponder them, never forget them.

"Easy to fill"

The brand, the company name, the product... this sells?

Off-topic: music for the chimplets

There's a solid musical division Chez Chimp: the girls like BGM* and the boys go for eclectic, often noisy stuff.
It was pleasing to see one of my favourite tunes rubbing off on the chimplets. They all have the following racket on their iPods. What's noteworthy is that their (actually quite different) tastes come together when a song has fast lyrics that tell a story (e.g. Nickelback's Rock Star). Kids are unembarrassed about belting out wordy songs and make an effort to learn them.
Heavyweight Champion of the World is by Reverend and the Makers, a band which has supported the Arctic Monkeys. Once upon a time, the Reverend himself was in the same band as two of the pre-Monkeys.
It's a dodgy video and Rev's isn't the greatest voice in the world, but the song is a terrific warning against making too many compromises when you're young. I get a warm fuzzy paternal feeling when explaining to the chimplets that their futures belong to them and that they shouldn't let others' mediocrities temper their talents.

*Bland girly mush

See also: Cool? It’s a question of timing

Get yer nuts

Back to my stock of saved Flickr pics. WTF is this?

Cotton wool soldiers

On Monday, the Joseph Rowntree Charitable Trust published a report claiming that British Army advertising glamorised war and neglected to inform recruits of the dangers of serving in the forces. This story received plenty of airtime and column inches.
Fair enough, you might think.
The charity is open about its Quaker credentials. It's ironic that a pacifist organisation (quite rightly - it's a free country) is able to criticise any aspect of Britain's security, regardless of the fact that we've depended upon our armed forces to preserve our (and the Quakers') liberty. The fruits of pacifism might not have been so sweet to the Quakers if WW2 and the Cold War didn't involve the participation of British soldiers. That may be a digression, because the Quaker report is issued in the context of the Afghan and Iraqi conflicts, but it's the JRCT who started this fight.
The website blurb also states "This new report, by independent analyst David Gee, explores the recruitment practice of the UK armed forces".
A Google search on Gee reveals link after link that shows that he too, if not a Quaker, certainly has spent a lot of time around them. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it sure ain't a giraffe. "Independent analyst", indeed.
I don't particularly like singling out groups to rail at them, especially religious ones because, being an atheist I think they're all equally wrong. My point is that it's odd that a Quaker organisation's criticism of Army recruitment advertising is considered newsworthy.
Next week: Paul McCartney on Walls Sausages.

I wish my missus would eat some of these

DOMINO: Domino's Pizza. How can I help you?
BECKS: I'd like a 12-inch Hawaiian please.
DOMINO: Certainly sir. Would you like it cut into eight or twelve slices?
BECKS: Eight slices please. I'm on a diet.

David Beckham poster ad seen in Tokyo.

See also:
Are they real?
When cool just don't cut it;
Buying into the Beckham illusion;
Put your tongue in, Becks

Parp

Crude graffiti on a wall in Manchester. I am still very easily pleased.

via

Roadkill

I'm forsaking the scanner to bring you this gem from the Metro, a favourite source (see chav story, below). The story has appeared in other papers, but check out the caption immediately below the picture. Someone's having a bit too much fun, methinks.

Gordon, get out of my F-ing face

In the last year Gordon Ramsay has appeared in TV ads for BT and the Blood Donor Service, and had his grumpy face on a press campaign for Gordon’s Gin (Gordon’s… geddit? Yes, I laughed so hard my spleen ripped). His Kitchen Nightmares and F-Word series are on perpetual loops on satellite telly, and his Hell’s Kitchen format is being flogged mercilessly in the USA.
He has also lost his top spot in the Good Food Guide, has been sued for non-payment of bills, has had his New York restaurant panned by the food critics, and has seen the end of his tenancy at the Mayfair Connaught.
His sweary aggression has been great fun to watch, but the Gordon Ramsay brand is starting to look a bit thin. A rumbustious public profile is telegenic only for so long… too much of it and you just start to look like a rude, self-parodying dick. Where will it end? Coming later this year: Gordon F-ing Ramsay in Panto.
It’s time to lay off the media and just concentrate on the bloody restaurants.
The last word goes to this brilliant piss-take from twobob:

Another goddamn happy new year

How nice to thank sweet baby Jesus for a fortnight's freedom from the tyranny of blogging. How nice to not have to manufacture an opinion, to fail to read the newspapers, and to fast forward through those bloody ads without guilt.
2008 begins without any thoughts, and with only one Resolution: to go half the year without alcohol. Yes, that means no beer in the mornings.
Mind you... that new Mazda ad.
No, I can't start the year like that.

Picnicked from b3ta's Xmas challenge