Bury yourself in apologies and go blrrblbrrblbrrbl

Sorry

Sorry

Well fuck off then
The Evening Standard hasn’t done anything wrong, so why apologise? Its campaign of "Sorry for being out of touch" "Sorry for being predictable" etc comes across as a smug attempt at fishing for complements at a time when the London newspaper is trying to decide its place in the world after being bought by a Russian spy.
It’s made worse by a new campaign from Marks & Spencer, who did do something wrong. M&S wanted to charge women more if they bought larger sized bras. There is a certain logic in covering the extra costs of applying more gravity-beating engineering and fabric to prevent those crowded balconies from toppling onto the pavement. But it still didn’t seem fair. There were protests. M&S relented and did the right thing. And it sounds right too.

**Edit** With brilliant comic timing the Evening Standard lands this apt headline story. Just goes to show: brands are happy enough to apologise, even when they've done nothing wrong. As for greedy money-grabbing venal politicians...

This really doesn't happen to geeks

This annoying chappy is as face-punchable as any other bloke who thinks his car is a penis extension. Except he's not a petrolhead but a computer geek. Sorry, but Lenovo lost me at "dude".

via Illegal Advertising

It’s not like this in the films I’ve been watching

Funny, but you’d think with the subject matter in hand that ads for lube and condoms would be a bit better than this. Maybe the Trojan Games were the high water mark and since then, all the fun has evaporated.
Or perhaps it’s a British thing, and we’d expect ads about sex to be funny. Instead, swap the products advertised herein for something more mundane, like shaving cream or a chocolate bar, and suddenly they would be quite amusing.
Bored.

The Lexus, it's like a bad shag

When you’re having bad sex, all you want is to get the fuck out of there.

Perfumes still selling their fantasy. Zzzz

As the country lurches deeper into recession, so the gap between real life and the fantasy world of advertising widens. Halifax still shows its happy singing employees while more people are having their homes repossessed. Land Rover are still pushing their Chelsea tractors as consumers buy smaller, more economical cars. And perfume ads are still shit. The funny thing is, that the more anal the perfume ads, the more likely that the proles will fall for it. Maybe its something to do with selling a fantasy.
Driving to Basildon the other week, some Essex girls in the car in front threw a dildo out of the window and it hit our windscreen. While the chimplets were wondering what the hell it was, Mrs C calmly told them it was an insect. Chimplet #2 said that he wondered how it could get off the ground with a cock like that.
Arriving at Basildon, for it really is that sort of place, the first thing that strikes you (apart from flying dildos) is the number of people eating chips. Cheap, stinky chips. And another thing, if you look carefully, is the Essex girls with shopping bags bulging with knock-off perfumes bought from a stall just outside the shopping centre. And that's the point. Everyone with half a brain cell knows they're forgeries, but they're still being bought. Like I said - buying into the fantasy.
Here's the latest fragrant tosh filling our TV screens. The Essex girls will love it.

Lee Mack sums up the pointlessness of these ads nicely...

Audi, the same old same new

Wee Karl, being 40 inches in height, couldn't give his 6-foot tall wife the standing-up shag she really liked. He overcame the problem by adding two springs to each foot and perfected what later became known as the Four Sprung Dwarf Technique.
Yes yes yes, very lame, but my mind has been turned to jelly after being bombarded with the unsurprisingly awful and predictable festive TV ads. First the foodie ads with snow, regurgitated and cryptic fragrances, too-stylish car spots and then the sales and the holidays.

Don’t mess with these babies

Today’s offering from H&M is a quartet of miserable-looking rug rats. I’m going to make a few enemies by saying this, but many babies at this age are too androgynous for the flouncy look. Face it, the three on the left wouldn’t look out of place with a Churchillian cigar in each of their mouths while flicking the Vs, and the tall one is asking for a fight with the bastard who nicked her teddy bear.

See also: Mummy, the Christmas bunny isn't moving

Carbon dioxide is good

At last, an ad I truly, truly hate. It has a crap script, crap imagery, crap message, patronising tone, and a dubious morality.
Do people really fall for the old Plinking Piano And Soft Female Voiceover trick?

This, and a similar spot by The Competitive Enterprise Institute aired in the US in May.

Americans are truly, truly lost

I've got nothing against Americans (after all, they elected one of us as President), but they really couldn't find their arses with their own fingers. If proof were needed, here's a brand new study that I caught sight of just as I was papering the bottom of Dave's cage - six out of 10 young Americans can't find Iraq on a map. And (cue yet another excuse to show yet another ancient video) the same ignorance has been caught on camera too.

An experiment that should have gone wrong

Words cannot express my dislike of this little film. If Dave were not stronger than me, then I'd rip his arms off, which of course is the reason why I now live in a glass box. Apparently Michael Jackson has rubber arms since trying it on with a now-adult Bubbles.