My furniture takes another caning

Jeez, what is about women and animals on my expensive furniture? Having squired chimplets from several secret mistresses, I thought I'd finally hit on The One, until she started eating trifle on one of my patent leather sofas. One of the hairy chimplets made her drop it. Wasn't his fault, so I booted her out for the last time and got custardy. Hoorah for British law.
So here's the next One. Thought she was ok - I could take the insect hallucinations but drew the line at her wearing fucking stilletos on my leather cushions.
After having had her shoe allowance cut (undoubtedly the second-worst thing a gentleman could do to his mistress), she stalked off for a sulk.
Now, where has she gone? Ah there you are. Hello there... wait a minute.... Hey... what the fuck...!!!!???
More furniture grief:
Down boy;
Those worms didn't come out of my arse, madam;
Get off my bleedin' chair