Evolution of a bad idea

Bosch are back, with more awful animal metaphors. So the washing machine has evolved into a monkey. Or maybe vice versa. For fuck's sake, get an agency.

Buy one for your mum

"Massage away stress and tension. Deep penetrating massage soothes aching muscles and helps stimulate circulation. For use on neck, shoulders, back – anywhere on your body."
This mundane-sounding personal therapy aid sounds inoffensive...

via b3ta

Plane crazy

The mangled Israenglish in this article suggests that an Israeli toy manufacturer has adopted 9/11 imagery to promote its model aeroplanes. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the pictured towers really exist – in Tel Aviv.
For added irony check out the Google Adsense frame:

Shitty posts ahead

I have a shed-load of stuff keeping me busy, so I'll be relying heavily on my advertising slop bucket of leftovers and scrag ends to keep the postings going for the next few days.
I'm sitting here covered in paint and woodshavings, excited by one project in particular.
After many months of admin and council bribery I have been given permission to demolish the ugly old Norman church that's been spoiling the view from my cloud-level meditation pod. The stylish new Portakabin that's going to replace it is going to form a key part of my newly revamped advertising agency. I've fired all our management for basically being shit and am replacing them with marmosets who will have to figure out how to work with my brand spanking new brand laboratory. I can't say much more than that right now, other than you'll start to see some experiments that will rock the world of marketing. Exciting times ahead for Chimp Media Monitoring.
Anyway, here's a historical curiosity from my ad bucket. It's twenty years old. It's not the surprise appearance of a now-famous TV star that's noteworthy, but the end-line which is now associated with a completely different brand.

You won't see this in Asda

From one of my favourite daft websites, Tokyomango (think boingboing, but Japanese), is this remarkable bit of what I can only loosely call Point Of Sale (x2).
The blurb describes the sign stuck beneath the anime girl's zeps. It says "Touch her boobies as much as you want, as freely as you want."
It's all in aid of flogging a game that the correspondent translates as "Crazy for boobies".
Don't ever say that I never bring you cultcha.

Frighten small children! Only £19.99!

This is perfect. No other words necessary.

Fox caught shoplifting

Sitting alone in my cloud-level pod atop Giraffe Towers is a favourite pastime. I appreciate the opportunity to contemplate the important things in life, such as Is It True That Robert Maxwell Used To Stand On The Roof Of The Mirror Building And Piss On The Little People Below?
We've seen agencies rip each other off (M&C Saatchi / MFI - CP+B /Ikea), and ad agencies rip off TV (Fallon / Sony Balls - David Letterman Show). Now we have Big Media ripping of an ad agency.
Pissing On The Little People isn't quite how I'd classify the peculiar story that tells how Leo Burnett USA pitches a marketing idea to a prospective client, has it rejected and then sees said client run the idea anyway.
There's this wee radio snippet explaining how the much-covered Simpsons / 7-11 tie in idea was ripped off from Leo by Fox.
Ad agencies are like tax men, traffic wardens and street mime artists - they're there for the slapping, so it seems. Ownership of ideas is a hard thing to prove, but Leo's story sounds convincing. It'll be interesting to see how it pans out.

Someone take a jump, please

It may seem churlish to lay into Trident again after the trauma of its supposedly racist launch ad, especially as the brand has done so well. "In spite of the ASA ban, the launch was a huge success and Cadbury Trebor Bassett managed to grab 15% of the UK's £240m chewing gum market overnight", according to Brand Republic.
But because I'm a pedantic, easily irritated and cantankerous old bastard I'm going to have a good moan anyway and run the risk of some planners telling me off for ignoring a fabulous strategy or some creatives lambasting me for not appreciating the obvious craft involved in its execution.
The latest ad has a pair of wankers jumping out of a plane and shouting some shit about the gum, I assume. There's probably a shit-hot script in there somewhere but I'm not paying attention if its being shouted at me. It's instant frontal-lobe switch off because twats jumping out of planes aren't funny and aren't original either.
In the last few years the following brands have advertised on the telly using the same parachuting scenario: Wrigleys (yes, another fucking gum but it had the virtue of being short), Toucan Telecom (who? they happened to saturate TV for a whole month back in 2005), Motorola, Cadbury Creme Eggs and Nissan. And that's just in the last 5 years.
One of Scamp's nicely packaged lessons advised against using stock situations, and I'd say skydiving is right out of the cliche top drawer. Maybe it'd be relevant for a brand associated with extreme sports, insurance or suicide, but this viewer can't see the connection (can't be arsed, frankly) with the brand and has had enough. As one who doesn't often switch over during the ads, I make an exception with this unimaginative tosh.
The sweet irony is that I quite like the product and occasionally buy it.
Oh, I've had enough. Here's the ad.

Agency: JWT

What is it about insurance?

Which sector uses the most sex and violence in its advertising? Beer? Motor? Looking back at the weirdness I've posted here over the last few months, I would suggest that Insurance is the unlikely answer. Ads from this sector shown here have featured slapstick, penis shredding, rape and gratuitous spanking.
Here's another one, this time from Japan, displaying the sort of ruthlessness one would expect to see in I, Claudius. It's utterly disgraceful and superb.
Check out the cheery soundtrack at the end.

End of term report

As you may already know, monkeys have been running the advertising industry for the last forty years, which is why this blog combines sector-specific articles with occasional smatterings of chimpness. The smut content is the glue that holds it all together.
If you think this is all nonsense, then consider that Chimp Media Monitoring is currently the UK's #2 advertising blog, according to that rascally puppy Scamp.
This post is aimed at the hairy 15% of regular readers who want to keep tabs of the chimp invasion, which doesn't sound quite that improbable when you squint and look at our new prime minister or Boris Johnson. Hell, just look at the US President.
Anyway, here's what's new.


Smart arse scientists believe the human gait is more efficient than that of chimps. You just keep thinking that when Bobo jumps out of a tree and rips your arms off.

Chimps are using gadgets and social networking tools. Until recently, "the Flickr technique" referred to the efficient method of tossing poo at small children in zoos.
Thanks to Official Chimp Chum (Membership #2201), Bill, for the link.

And from The Guardian this week (so it must be true), watch out for the Giant Lion-Eating Chimps of The Congo.

Finally, a bit of film from the Monkey Army Training Video. Here you see a queue of cars waiting to enter Longleat Safari Park on a day when Sergeant Bobo is demonstrating his combat technique to a novice.
Cheers!

(Actually a clip from Trigger Happy TV)

Battle of the Lost pretty boys

It’s a little-known fact that scruffy hunk Josh Holloway had his mind altered by an itinerant Hollywood hypnotist stalker. The unfortunate chap loses control every time a sultry babe pouts at him, forcing him to strip off, dive into the nearest stretch of water and toss his hair like a girl.
It’s true, I tell you.

Meanwhile, his Lost rival Matthew Fox tries to avoid looking embarrassed while attempting to convince men that it’s not effeminate to treat their skin with a product that, despite its pedigree, carries a name that's associated with femininity.


It is like comparing apples and oranges, but at least the Davidoff brand is unashamed in its self-assurance, making an obvious appeal to both female consumers buying the fragrance for their men, and to men to buy it for themselves.
As for L’Oreal, it’s not entirely clear who should be buying this.
Anyway, that's the serious stuff out of the way. Which of these boys pulls it off best? Ladies, which one floats your boat?
It’s the battle of the Lost boys.
Vote on the poll on the right-hand side of the screen.

***Update***
Josh wins!

The Light

My posts have been somewhat sparse recently since I found myself here.

Confuse a fishmonger

Even I have difficulty getting my head around this one: a fragrance to be applied to the back of the (male) hand, to be sniffed at leisure.
If you know anyone who uses this, be sure to tell him he smells like a cunt.
Link is not safe for work.

A much cheaper option was featured here a year ago. At least you can eat it.

via

Ducks win!

Poll closed. Truth and justice win. There is definitely an undercurrent of rebellion in the ad industry. We need more ducks.
Thank you all. Another poll next week.

Is it Hallowe'en yet?

Your career is in ruins, and it's your employer's fault. Your ability to rebuild your life depends upon this man.

a mooving tale

BBC Online is one of the first websites I check each morning. This is the one of Auntie's best ever headlines.

A lesson in branding

Click image to enlarge

Echoes of the branding of the London Olympics from one of my favourite cartoon strips, "Alex", published in the Daily Telegraph. The current storyline has the workers of Megabank coping with a team-building, cowboy-themed excursion.

See also: Make the logo greyer

The bi-annual outing of the Inglish brigade

When Chimplet #1 was very small he believed in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and everything the local priest told him. Without question. One day, curiosity got too much for him and he asked the priest, in the church, what was actually wrong with the leopards that Jesus set out to cure.
Similarly, for a long time I wondered why some bloke with an aeroplane needed to do horrid things to Jesus (think about it), and whether he flew to Jerusalem.
Only when the words were put in front of us, in black and white, did we realise our error.
I was reminded of this religious nonsense when I heard that the phonetic English cranks have been let out again, campaigning to "simplify" spellings (e.g. Learn > Lern; Slow > Slo; Beautiful > Butiful).
When these twits appear on the telly or are heard on the radio, the first thing that strikes me is the inevitability of their southern English / Home Counties accents.
These middle class busybodies would assume that the phonetic spelling is best, completely forgetting the existence of a plethora of accents across the country.
We all know that a house is a place to live in, but will Kentish Cordelia invite Cockney Dave to her hais? Is Cockney Dave's ahss so pikey you need to wipe your feet on the way out? Would Glasgie Scot eat a deep fried Mars Bar in his hoos? Which spelling would the snobbish Simplified Spelling Society pick? The one that suits them and their pony, that's what.
If they come knocking at your door, tell them to feck off.

Snake oil to the hoi polloi

Attention News of the World readers! You too can look like Professor Lembit Opik, or have hair like one of his Cheeky Girls. Don't worry - that "warm, tingly sensation" is perfectly normal. It just means that the natural snake oil is working your benefit cash into my pockets. Side effects might include loss of punctuation.

Amateur signage adjustment

More mischief from b3ta. These fellows are indulging in a touch of unsolicited rebranding. The company's real name is "Wacker". Explanation here.

Point of difference

Client numpty: "I know - let's tell the punters that all our pubs are now smoke free!"
Agency numpty: "Yes, but..."
Client numpty: "That'll spank the competition!"
Agency numpty: "The thing is..."
Client numpty: "Brilliant, eh? See to it now. There's a good man."

Agency: Miles Calcraft Briginshaw

Politics and children don't mix

Feline Disrespect From Behind !

I like to chuckle at Lee McEwan's drily amusing observations in his Serendipity Book blog, but his bukkake t-shirt post really made me laugh out loud. It reminded me that I had this incredible Japanese spoof ad sitting in my Saved For Later folder.

Snappy marketing

I love this below the waterline campaign for a zoo in Germany. "Come to the zoo before the zoo comes to you." It's the look of embarrassment on the mutt's face that makes it work for me.

When Indian boys get bored

These extraordinary PS2 ads from India have been unearthed by the reliable Ads of the World site.
I find ads from the further parts of the EMEA region fascinating, as they often appear to condone behaviour that would never appear in Western advertising, not even in virals (e.g. false rape allegations and threatened domestic violence). Nevertheless, I do wonder whether there was a fuss when these broke. Check out the tagline.

Click images to enlarge

I find them vaguely reminscent of the Coke Zero campaign.

More cars doing silly things

What's with all this CGI on the telly? We see it used across every type of brand, but seldom is it more obvious than in car advertising. Yoda was more fun as a puppet, but became a laughing stock when computers made him whirl around like a 1 a.m. kebab in a stomach full of lager.
That's the trouble. We're drenched in CGI and are unamazed by it.
Euro RSCG's jolly campaign for the Citroen C3 has - here we go - cars flinging themselves around a virtual landscape behaving in ways that are so fantastic that the safety police can't claim that they'll cause irresponsible driving.
Actually, the C3 TV ad (wee cars behaving like dolphins in an unpolluted sea) is quite cute. But it is the second ad in eight months that has a car behaving like a submarine (the other was for the joyless, patent-porned Audi A6), so come on guys, change the record.
There's no excuse for relying on CGI for small cars. Their very smallness opens the creative box in ways that are harder for the biggies. You can have fun (Citroen C3), chic (Renault Clio), loveability (Ford Fiesta) and even security (VW Polo). It's more plausible to push a small car's feminine qualities and its economy too.
So why resort to make-believe?

Footnote: speaking of Citroen, look what happens when you enter "Citroen logo" in Google images.

Cheeky chavs feel at home

The trouble with some furniture store ads is that they promote the shop, but not the idea of living with the new stuff that you know you have to lug to your car (or even worse, wait for some pikey delivery men to bring to your home when it's least convenient), unpack and assemble.
The new MFI ads create a nice little bridge between the having and the buying: life going on in and around the swanky new bedroom / bathroom; and the presence of MFI's friendly staff who remind you that you still need to visit the showrooms to buy them.

So, a nice round of applause for MFI's agency, M&C Saatchi? Maybe we should spare one hand to clap with, because the idea is clever enough to catch the attention of the TV viewer.
Decide what gesture you'd like to make with the other hand when you take a look at this, one of several such TV ads made for IKEA in the USA by Crispin, Porter + Bogusky, in 2002.

Don't watch this

Unusual viral treatment from a brand that did extremely well at Cannes. Very likely not safe for work. And you might feel slightly nauseous afterwards.

I did warn you.

Soapy goodness

From Friday's Sun. The owners were fined and told to take the sign down. I can't think why. Looks clean to me.