February 17, 2009

It works, holistically

The Chimpworks Z-1000 contains at least 98% science

The Chimpworks Z-1000 Taurean Stool Detector is uniquely engineered to make full use of the q-zone crystal quantum z-rays that are at the heart of its homeopathically-advised dodecahedron-shaped water molecule engine. The Chimpworks Z-1000 officially contains no less than 98% science.
Tired of food interfering with your aura? Six thousand monkey nutritionists have (with the help of the Chimpworks Z-1000) proven, without the inconvenient burden of evidence, that the Kymatika K-Test (available at all good branches of Superdrug) REALLY WORKS.
Yes! At least 80% of happy punters discovered that just ten minutes spent on a K-Test leaves them, on average, a holistic thirty pounds lighter. Our independent analysis did find that most K-Tests did generate a faint odour of bovine excreta, but this can be countered by carrying any book by Dame Dr Gillian McKeith OBE.
Look! The K-Test has been tested on LBC! 586,000 satisfied listeners successfully endured an interview that consisted of at least 23% coherent English!
There is no evidence that the K-Test is endorsed by LBC’s Jeni Barnett, but my monkey instinct tells me that she’d probably like it. If any sceptical scientists or medical killjoys contradict either me, anyone from Kymatika or anyone who works for LBC, then you are strongly advised to stick a finger in each ear and shout “La la la!” until the feeling of cognitive dissonance passes.


M.M. McDermott said...

If it's made in Germany from the same fine folks who brought us Sham-Wow, then sign me up for five easy payments of $19.95.

Flying Tigerpig said...

BRILLIANT! I want one!

Anonymous said...

I note your use of a Piss Flap in the device's design. While this may do a passable job I would recommend the far superior Fanny Magnet. They barely cost any more at wholesale prices and are a good deal more reliable in the sense of quantum infrangibility.

Raw Footage said...

I can vouch for the effectivey-ness of this device. I have been using this machine for 4 months and my aura is now so pure and clear that it is completely invisible and imperceptible to the human, or any other, eye (except dolphins' eyes obviously).