January 22, 2007

Britain: get a life

Holy shit, I've lost two stones in three weeks. Aaaah fuck, but if I stand like this on the scales, I've put on a stone. Poxy scales. How do I know where I stand with this weight loss malarkey? Yes, my coat is a little looser and the jeans a little baggier but I still feel like a fat bastard.
I don't mind admitting it, although I reserve the right to twat you one on the nose if you said it to my face. Nowadays, such behaviour would be acceptable.
You can tell I'm a bit annoyed this weekend. Last week one the neighbours' 20-odd cats pissed on my sons' football boots, which were left out overnight after both boys completed a weekend of training and matches. The younger of the two spent ten minutes running away from a basset hound that invaded the training pitch yesterday, unaware that the half-blind mutt thought that it was chasing a fucking moggie.
I've never hidden my utter detestation for people who adopt hordes of these feline parasites as pets.
In my grandfather's day I'd have gotten away with lynching the little buggers, but that's now bloody taboo. Too cruel. Yet it's OK to mass produce farm animals, pump them full of drugs and obesity enhancers so we can feed like fucking pigs and raise a generation of kids who'll die before their parents.
So, with the country going to the dogs, what has obsessed the nation this week?
Answer: three chav girls bullying an Indian housemate on Celebrity Big Brother.
To non-Brits, a brief explanation. Assuming you know the BB format, you may be aware that there is a celebrity version. This year, the house included Germaine Jackson and Dirk Benedict. But the talking point was Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty and three young women who proceeded to bully her.
The loudmouth is Jade Goody, famous for forging a career based on the stupidity displayed in her performance in a (non-celeb) Big Brother four years ago. Her two disciples are brunette Danielle Nobody (famous for being sacked from a beauty competition and for being the girlfriend of footballer Teddy Sheringham) and "blonde" Jo Uglyfuck (who used to be in a band).
Consider these two snippets:


After a week's worth of having the media gorge on the bullying and racism displayed by the gang of three, Jade was evicted on Friday to face the music:
(This one's 16 minutes long)

That clip'll give you a flavour of the media baying we've had to put up with. The noise got so loud that Carphone Warehouse pulled out of its BB sponsorship. So far, at least nine other companies have joined the queue to replace Carphone Warehouse.
Every Tom, Dickhead and Harry is condemning the bullying, racism etc.
At times like this, I seriously despise the numpty fuckwits around me. I'm talking about the fuckers who ring radio talkshows, the wankers who write letters to the papers, the columnists and media commentators. There were questions in Parliament, and even Gordon Brown (watch out America, here's the guy who'll be tickling Dubya's bollocks in the summer when Blair resigns) weighed in despite never watching the show.
Behind the words of every one of them, you can hear their breathlessness at having claimed the high moral ground and the telltale squeak as their buttocks tighten in liberal sanctimony.
So what's my problem? Am I sticking up for racism?
The answer's no.
My problem's with the way the public are scapegoating Jade Goody in what looks increasingly like a big media set-up. She's almost certainly ruined her "career". Jo is a has-been and has had her day anyway. Danielle is thick pramface Scouser who's going to lose the most. Apparently her boyfriend has already dumped her (Sheringham fronts an anti-racism campaign in football, and a third of his team-mates are black), and she'll never work again unless it's in porn flicks or serving fries.
As for their victim Shilpa, she's got it made. Her Bollywood career was waning, and last month nobody outside the Indian community knew of her. Now she's a household name. As well as being gorgeous, she took the abuse with the sort of dignity that's becoming difficult to find in Britain, and declared she held no grudges against Jade or the others.
Just watch. Jo and Danielle will be ripped apart when they're evicted. When it's Shilpa's turn, everyone will be gushing over their new darling.
The contestants will get what they deserve, but the hot-headed mob that watch this shit will be diminished. Meanwhile, Channel Four and Endemol (BB's makers) will be counting their stacks.
Incidentally, there's still a war on in Iraq.

2 comments:

Jetpacks said...

Two stones? Isn't that about 28 pounds?

If so, that's a crazy (and working) diet.

What's the trick? Can I still drink plenty of beer?

FishNChimps said...

Yes, but our scales are crap and can be depressing if you step on them the wrong way. The wretched thing has a 3-stone error margin.
But I'm doing OK, cos my clothes are getting looser. It's the GI diet. Surprisingly easy.