Nice place for a holiday

I’m not happy. There’s yet another survey about happiness, the third in the space of a month. This time we’re told that the Danes are the gurning champions of the world, by virtue of a survey asking people about their general wellbeing.
A previous survey informed us that Iceland was the happiest country, so there must be something about Viking culture that predisposes them to lifelong chirpiness when they’re not committing suicide (Denmark had the highest suicide rate in western Europe in the 1980s).
These lists are always more fun when you start at the bottom. In this case you’ll see the unhappiest nations are the the real basket cases (e.g. Congo, Zimbabwe), which suggests that maybe this is another survey part-sponsored by my alma mater, The University of the Bleedin’ Obvious.
The odd thing is that I know at least three Zimbabweans and they are amongst the happiest people I’ve ever met, and several Danes of my acquaintance are gloomier than a French art movie.
In the middle of the list you’ll find the world’s troublemakers (USA, China, France, Russia). This is unsurprising when we consider the split personality characteristic of the world’s most powerful countries: they have the means to make their people the happiest on earth, but appear to get more satisfaction by wasting these resources on making everyone else miserable.
Yes, the UK is amongst this pack too, its four main constituents having their own unique reasons to be unhappy: the Welsh because their neighbours are the English, the Scots because the English nicked their oil, the Northern Irish because of that English bloke Oliver Cromwell and the English aren’t happy because they don’t like the English (no, really).
Get to the top of the list and you’ll see that the so-called happy nations are probably the most boring. Switzerland is number two, for heaven’s sake. As Harry Lime quipped in The Third Man: "In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

See also: What I need is… a small island (Vanuatu is the happiest place on earth) and: Happy as a Viking on a rampage (No it isn’t. It’s Iceland!).

Tags: Surveys

Today's achievement: I can see my toes

And so it was back to the world of Second Life. My second visit left me feeling as baffled as my first, my main achievements after one hour being that I learned how to look at my feet, turn to face the camera, and perform a pre-programmed dance that in real life would have got me beaten up.
Depressingly, I have yet to see evidence that this artificial world welcomes ugly avatars (like mine). And there are too many people shuffling up to the on-screen mentors asking idiot questions like "Dude, where can I find a kick-ass weapon?"
In avatar experience terms, I’m clearly still a toddler. How on earth the entrepreneurs who are building business empires in this environment ever found the patience to achieve this, I’ll never know.

Tags: Online

I'm hungry. Get me a woman. A big woman – now!

Oh boy, you’ve got to love this. The BBC reports that a study of 61 male university students found those who were hungry were attracted to heavier women than those men who had eaten. The hungry men also paid much less attention to a woman's body shape and regarded less curvy figures as more attractive than did the men with full bellies.
I like the fact that the sample was a group of students. Think about this. Males, probably aged 18-21, away from their parents for the first time. Under these circumstances, they’d shag anything in a skirt, their sexual prejudices swinging like a pendulum after every visit to the student union bar.
Also, a hungry student, being virtually penniless, would subconsciously equate a well-fed woman with a meal ticket. Shag her, and she might give you a doughnut.
Mind you, there’s probably enough mileage in this survey to convince someone to sponsor a larger survey using a more representative sample. Think of the possibilities for advertisers: ass- or boobvertising on Juno-esque women, their bumpy bits promoting pizzas and burgers shortly before lunchtime. Or better still, big women eating pizzas and burgers shortly before lunchtime.
Oh, hang on, I see someone’s already thought of that; there are hundreds of them on Oxford Street.

See also: 10,10,10,10,10 and 10

Tags: Human behaviour, Sex, Surveys

We will tell you what to think

Being independent, I now disagree with The Independent. Thanks for shoving your views down my throat, Indy.
The covers of the red-top tabloids scream their opinions every day, which is to be expected.
However, even if you didn’t know the political bias of the quality papers, you would expect to be able to read something on the front page. A few facts would be nice.

Independent front covers from 21st July, and today.

There are at least two sides to the story unfolding in Lebanon and we have the choice of either sticking to a particular point of view or of changing our minds.
Some of the people on the petition have opinions I’d like to hear (Director of Christian Aid, Former ambassadors, even a few scientists); but when I see Damon Albarn, Brian Eno, Tracey Emin and Peter Gabriel there, my first reaction is to tell them to shove it.
Whatever experience a career in music or in exhibiting shitty beds gives them, celebrities have not earned a right to stand before me like a high street charity mugger and proselytise, unless they want to sing songs about war or make a Statue of Peace out of toilet paper and frozen ducks’ blood.
Except for Saint Bob, of course.

Three wars are raging in the Middle East, and Iran is quietly making nuclear bombs. Meanwhile, in Cloud Cuckoo Land:

Daily Express: Diana, Diana, and more sodding Diana

See also: Diana - get over it

Tags: Media, Morons, Politics

Lock up your grandmothers. Yes! It’s Barry Scott!

When JWT lost the Reckitt Benckiser account to Euro RSCG earlier this month, it was losing more than its £830m global business - it lost an instant icon. Never mind long-established brands like Harpic, Clearasil, Mr Sheen, Nurofen and Dettol. The big loss was Cillit Bang.
The first Cillit Bang ad burst onto British television in 2004. Since then, there have been about a dozen more.
There is something deeply odd, slightly disturbing and outrageously cheesy about these ads. They seem to be a cross between the worst kind of QVC-type feature and the stripped-bare type of product demo that belongs in a past decade. But I can’t help but love them, in a Let’s Befriend The Ugly Little Ginger Kid Cos He’s Always Being Picked On kind of way.
The lynchpin is the fictional presenter Barry Scott. In the first ad, he was quietly enthusiastic, resplendent amongst the garish brand colouring, unfazed by the ridiculous product name. Here was a magic product that could strip a penny (seemingly wedged in a squatter’s toilet for twenty years) of all its grime in two seconds! Barry Scott saved my life!
And now we get to the latest ad, probably the last one made by JWT. The quiet enthusiasm has given way to mania (Barry Scott – Yes – Barry Scott! In subsequent ads Yes It’s Me – Barry Scott! And you can suck my cock!), and he’s spreading his love to include some equally insane-looking harridan women who look as potentially shouty as he is.
Needless to say, Mr Scott and his grime-busting fanny magnet have become a cult. See the dozens of amateur spoofs on YouTube (the tip of the iceberg). My personal favourite is this sweet musical number.

I just hope that Euro have the balls to continue to develop this superb creature, without letting it fade like too many American sitcoms. Or better still, bite the bullet and shove Barry down the plughole, to gurgle away forever as a fond memory.

Tags: FMCG, Spoof, TV ads, Viral

New Bravia ad in the making

If photos and videos from an ad shoot are your cup of tea, then take a look at a Flickr set documenting the creation of the latest Sony Bravia ad, and this short video snap.


Tags: TV ads

These Japanese bra ads are just so darned cryptic

Lift door opens. Man's jaw drops open when he espies sweet young lady's unusually crowded balcony. Man drops something. Comedy ensues. Much Japanese (I assume) chit-chat. The words "up up" appear frequently. Whether this refers to fabric engineering or priapic activity is unclear. Maybe they are having a discussion about the efficiency of modern elevator technology. See if you can decipher this enigma here.

Tags: TV ads, Naughty bits

The Devil is alive and well

British TV has recently shown examples of organised homophobia in the USA, in particular the picketing of funerals by Christian zealots crowing over the deaths of their country's soldiers.
This video clip appears to relate to one of these demonstrations, but with some gratifying mockery from a smart arse Aussie reporter.
Meanwhile, some vitriol flows the other way from this supporter of a gay police organisation in the UK. Again, it's religion stirring the waters.

Tags: Human behaviour, Online, Viral

Drink... don't drink

From Private Eye

Tags: Media, Press/outdoor advertising

I look damn good, if I say so myself

There you go: I'm now a cheapo web designer. A few photos nicked from the web, a flurry on Powerpoint and hey presto: a new header for CMM News. Dave was almost out of the picture, but after a minor sulk he's in, in all his teddy bear goodness. Sometimes I amaze myself.

Tags: Dave, Online

Coca-Cola targets tall psychotic women

Northern Planner and the-ad-pit have both taken a pop at Coca-Cola Zero’s advertising, its TV spot in particular. There is something about the nudge-nudge digs at the annoyances of life which is particularly galling, considering this is one of the world’s largest corporations doing the sniggering.
Now I see Coke has backed down from its too smug press and poster campaign that was doing a fine job of alienating women, tall people, and people with mental disorders (and especially tough for tall psychotic women).
See the Girlfriends and Tall People ads on Flickr.
Admittedly, I think taking offence at marriage gags and an over-supply in the height department is pushing sensitivity a bit too far, but the psycho dig is a bit close to the knuckle.
However, it’s this one that gets my goat. TV without the ads:
In the UK Coke and its various sub-brands spent over £5 million on TV advertising alone in 2005. So, you’re going to drop TV advertising, are you?
I wonder if any Coke execs drive SUVs.

Agency: VCCP

Tags: FMCG, Press/outdoor ads, TV ads

Skidding safely

Here’s a brilliant idea from a personal security website: fake dirty underpants with hidden pockets to hide your sneaky stash! Gross!

via Maxim

Tags: Poo, vomit & wee-wee